I thought I’d write about a Swedish vampire movie since there’s this huge smear campaign about vampires going on, and I think this movie really has a unique angle to the contemporary vampire story. Now, you should know that by contemporary vampire story I do mean the kind where a vampire reaches out to a human and feels remorse. So if the mere idea of such a movie makes you projectile vomit, I suggest you stop reading here. If you have an ounce of intrigue left for this type of story, I think Let the Right One In is worth a try. I promise you this: there are no sparkly vampires and no lustful romance, just a friendship (albeit a somewhat confused one) between two prepubescent kids who are having a hard time. So let’s take a closer look.

The movie tells the story of twelve-year-old Oscar who gets bullied at school and who randomly meets a vampire, Eli. This vampire is seemingly a twelve-year-old girl. Together they fight their personal demons, if you’ll pardon the “pun”, and along the way some people get hurt. This vampire story has been brought into a suburb full of apartment buildings, the playground of one being the place where the two kids meet.

The movie is shot in a very Nordic fashion. It’s unceremonious, honest, very down-to-earth. I enjoyed this rough take on a fantasy story; it looks just like a Finnish/Swedish/Danish drama movie, and feels like one as well. This being the case, I’m hesitant about calling it horror, but since it’s a vampire story and since I found reviews online that call it “gory” and “fantasy horror” I justified writing about it here to myself. What I also found in online reviews were comments about how the characters behave in irrational ways. This really baffled me, since I thought they all behaved very normally indeed; awkwardly, calmly and in ways a normal person would be expected to behave in weird and even horrible circumstances. Maybe this seemingly illogical behaviour has something to do with the way we Nordic people behave (especially in our movies), and maybe it strikes some people from other countries as irrational. If that’s the case, I’m greatly amused, and immensely proud of how weird we can actually seem from the outside.

Regardless of the realistic and grounded portrayal of the story, I found an element of quite acute horror there. There’s something brutally honest about the shabby and unceremonious style of the movie. The image of a man dragging a bloody corpse around in a red child’s sled is something that struck me, and made me inwardly yell: “Ouch, right in the childhood!” Another image of a boy hanging from a coat rack in the school gym changing rooms while a man is attempting to run his blood into a glass jar chilled me, since I spent many years coming and going from exactly those kinds of rooms. What makes the horror tangible is the subdued acting of the wonderful Swedish cast: Oscar depicts the awkwardness only a Nordic person can achieve while hugging his vampire friend, and his relentlessly runny nose outside in the winter cold illustrates the sincerity of the story. Also, I’m a big fan of not overusing darkness as an effect that makes things look scarier. In this film, it’s only dark when it’s supposed to be dark. None of that CSI type “Hey, I always read, write and do all my research in a pitch-black room” nonsense; if something sinister is happening and it would logically happen in well-lit circumstances, it does. Nothing wrong with that. When things feel this real, it’s easy to believe in vampires.

The most prominent atmosphere in the movie is melancholia, just as in Sauna, which I wrote about earlier in this blog. This is not something I expected from a Swedish movie, since the Swedes are an all-around happier and funnier people than we Finns are, but they really mastered Nordic melancholia in this film. Familiar scenes of vampiric horror have been transformed into scenes of sadness: a vampire climbing a wall is no longer the disgusting reptilian image Jonathan Harker witnessed from his imprisonment in Dracula’s castle, but a little girl climbing a hospital wall to see her severely injured father figure. The one who is enchanted by the vampire is no longer a seduced lover but a man who feels self-sacrificing fatherly love towards the little monster. The horror of the movie stems from the feeling of being in a terrible and irreversible situation and making mistakes while trying to cope with it. Quite psychological again, I know – I guess I’m a sucker for the more psychological horror. I’ll try to pick something less psychological next time, but I’m not making any promises!

I think I’ve used the word “Nordic” about a million times in this post. That’s because this movie is first and foremost Nordic; it’s somber, it’s down-to-earth, it’s melancholic and it’s very realistic. These things normally bore me to no end, and they did a couple of times while watching Let the Right One In as well, but the way this vampire story is told is something unique and special and definitely worth a watch.  But only if, as I already mentioned earlier, you have any patience left for the contemporary vampire story ;)

"Do you live here?"

"Yeah, I live right here, in the jungle gym." 

- Oscar and Eli - 

Tags: Fantasy , Låt den rätte komma in, Let the Right One In, Swedish horror, Tomas Alfredson, vampire movies

I’m writing about an English TV show AGAIN. I’m sorry. I did establish in my last post that I’m an anglophile. So what can I say? I bleedin’ love ‘em Brits! My topic, however, differs dramatically from my previous ones; instead of writing about something that really scared or disturbed me, I’m writing about a quality horror spoof that really made me laugh. It captures all the clichés, tropes and atmosphere of eighties television and horror B-movies succinctly. It’s called Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace.

The show is supposedly an unaired horror TV show called Darkplace that was filmed in the eighties and has now been requested for airing by a television network. Darkplace was written by a horror author called Garth Marenghi, and the episodes are interrupted from time to time by comments from Mr Marenghi, his co-stars and his publisher/producer, Dean Learner. Marenghi and Learner are fictional characters wonderfully portrayed by Matthew Hollness and Richard Ayoade, respectively (these two also wrote the real series, and Richard directed). The show is set in a hospital (Darkplace), where the characters experience a series of supernatural events. In Darkplace the gates of Hell are opened, vengeful Scotsmen arrive in a mist, and Skipper the Eyechild is born.

Now, where to begin? This show parodies the eighties pseudo-dramatic B-movies and TV shows wonderfully. The overall visual style of the eighties shows very prominently as well; the opening credits immediately reminded me of MacGyver on the very first viewing. Bad acting, badly timed action, defective camera-angles, horrible dialogue, shoddy voice editing and nostalgic synth music are all mocked, in my opinion, rather tastefully in this melange of everything that was done badly a couple of decades ago. I just have to give you a taste of the dialogue that serves in itself as spoof:

Dr. Liz Asher: Hi, I've come to apply for the doctor's job. I can assure you my credentials are top-notch, I've just graduated from Harvard College Yale. I aced every semester, and I got an 'A'.

Receptionist: Well that sounds excellent. Our last doctor only just recently died in horrific circumstances. Can you start immediately?

Dr. Liz Asher: Sure, do I have time to go to the toilet?

Receptionist: Not really, I've just paged Dr. Sanchez to come and pick you up.

Dr. Lucien Sanchez: I'm Dr. Sanchez! You're a woman.

Dr. Liz Asher: Yes, I hope that's not a problem.

Dr. Lucien Sanchez: Not at all. There's plenty of skirt on the ward, this is the 20th century after all though some don't like to admit it. Welcome to Darkplace, Liz.

This excerpt is from the first episode. What an ingenious mixture of inaccurate storyline, occupational gender stereotyping, and overall unimaginative lines.

I’m a big fan of parody through exaggerated use of tropes and clichés, and leaving it at that. I’ve been very frustrated with a string of parodies that have emerged from Hollywood in the noughties, especially Scary Movie and its endless successors. The problem with the likes of Scary Movie is that the decent exaggerative gags are demeaned by idiotic jokes about bodily waste and sex, as if to make sure the audience has something to laugh at if they don’t get the actual parody gag. Give the audience a break, have some respect for the viewer. Geez. Therefore watching spoofs that rely on the audience getting the joke is something I cherish lovingly in this world of sub-par spoofs. Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace is exactly that and nothing more; all the humour is derived from magnifying the silliness of television drama and B-movies in the eighties, not adding anything unnecessary to it.

I have to admit that I was genuinely creeped out a couple of times while watching this show. Dr. Liz’s premonition of patient Renwick’s death in the very beginning of the first episode was one of these, and the actual death another. There’s something about really crappy effects and horrible sound effects that manages to give me a proper fright. I’m speculating that this might have something to do with the fact that I was a very small child in the late eighties and early nineties and these crappy effects actually did scare me genuinely when they were broadcast on television. The shoddy voice editing I mentioned earlier is also something that frightens me. The voice not correlating with the picture has interesting connotations with insanity in my head.

Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace creates its parody by using all the audio-visual media that are available in television, in addition to brilliantly bad writing and skilfully depicted bad acting. By incorporating voice editing and camera angles into the humour it takes spoofing to the next level. At least I had never seen the likes of it before, but I’m sure I’ve missed a whole bunch of wonderful parodies, feel free to correct me here. Nevertheless, Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace is an all-around quality parody that doesn’t include one crude joke about genitalia or excrement. All jokes relate to B-movies, eighties television and over-inflated “artistic” egos, which is exactly how is should be. Plus, episode six contains the best eighties music video I’ve ever seen!

“I’m Garth Marenghi. Author. Dreamweaver. Visionary. Plus Actor. You’re about to enter the world of my imagination. You are entering my Darkplace.” - Garth Marenghi -

Tags: British horror, Garth Marenghi, horror spoof, Matthew Holness, Richard Ayoade

Picture this ... Its 1986 and you are on the panel of judges that determine the oscar winners, and your faced with a tough choice, continue to see things the same old way or pull your head out of your ass and see things the way most of America does....

And the Oscar goes to Platoon... another war movie about the atrocities of Viet Nam, frankly I liked it better when it was called Apocalypse now...

I saw it, I think it had some merit, but I can't remember one fucking line of dialogue from this "Incredible"  movie.

Also out in 1986 "Aliens"....yeah buddy! Or as Newt would have said A-firmative!! 

The amazingness of this movie is recognized more today than when it came out. The sheer number of memorable moments and best of all quotable lines in this glorious sequel are flooding my brain now as we speak. The off screen tid bits are so tantalizing that they almost scream "make a movie out of me too!!!!"

Sure I know what your saying, "Rob, Platoon was a piece of American Film Art" 

Yup it sure was, it was moving and it did paint a picture, a picture seen the very next year in Full Metal Jacket (a far superior film imho) and 7 years prior in Apocalypse Now which starred a Sheen that could actually act!!

Now, I am not saying that Sgt. Elias and Sgt. Barnes were not cool, but Cpl. Hicks and Pvt. Hudson kicked their asses!! A win for Aliens wouldn't you say Hicks?

"Hudson sir... He's Hicks" 

Lt. Gorman and  Lt. Wolfe were pretty much the same guy, until Gorman showed some and and went suicide bomber on the creatures... again another win for Aliens.

"we are in the pipe, 5 By 5"

Sgt. O'Neill, who was played by a great comic actor John McGinley doesn't even come close to the level of Sgt. Apone played superbly by Al Matthews.  

"Look into My eye" your right, Sarge, Aliens again.

Kevin Dillon as Bunny or Paul Riser as Burke... this may be the toughest call of all. Bunny did do the sweet beer can trick and he stabbed himself in the leg. Burke was just a cheesy company man looking to cash in....I give a very slight win to Kevin and Bunny

"all right, we waste hin, no offense"

Lance Fucking Henrickson vs. the rest of the cast of Platoon... L F H for the win!!!

"I didn't know there was a synthetic on board" 

"I guess she didn't like the corn bread either".

Now part of the back story to Aliens, Carrie Henn, who played Newt, this was her one and only acting role. 

Thats right, she never acted before or after this film! "well then maybe we should put her in charge"!

She is the daughter of an american military couple stationed in England during the filming. She was chosen right out of her classroom at the bases school. She did no screen test, and was fed her lines by an acting coach. She never even acted in a school play!!!

"I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit"

I know, I know, the cinematic brilliance depicted by Stone in Platoon was there. It was a solid 7.5/10. The torrent of war and the struggle for redemption were so moving that it caused many who lived that life to have flashbacks and recurring nightmares. I don't mean to make light of those issues, and I hope that I have not offended a member of our military with my comments.

Having said that, Aliens should have won!!! If for no other reason than here we are 26 years later and if I was to say to you.... Game Over... You know god damn well the image of Hudson surrounded by a crashed drop ship, helmet off, screaming "Game over! Game over man, now what the fuck are we supposed to do"? Leaps directly into your head

So yes ,Platoon great movie and Oscar winner, Aliens Better movie: our genre robbed once again!

"we'd better get back, cause it'll be dark soon, and they mostly come at night,.... mostly"

Tags: Apone, Bishop, Giger, Hicks, horror genre, Lance Henrickson, Newt, oscars, Paul Reiser, Platoon, Ripley, Aliens

Sometimes the things you come across when working for a company like Horror-fix are so cool that they warrant you dropping everything you were planning and getting more direct info immediately. This was exactly the case when I discovered the wonderfully sick and twisted internet horror sensation: Traycee King. We at Horror-fix had covered the Ghoul Girls booth at Comikaze not too long ago. Upon checking out their site and making my way through their models list (and checking out their official websites as one like myself does), one in particular caught my eye. This was, of course, Traycee.

With a resume that features the hilarious Machnima series How to Survive a Horror Film and the critically claimed internet zombie series 8:13, I knew that I had to get an interview with Traycee. Well, as they say, all good things come to those who wait. I managed to not only get my interview, but also earn a new found respect for the power of self determination and how we horror-addicts really have to stick together. You can listen in on the super chilled and insightful conversation I had with Traycee in the link below:

Horror-fix Interview - Traycee King

Also, be sure to check out the first segment of How to Survive a Horror Film here:

And the first episode of 8:13, here:

For more on Traycee and her projects head to: 

• Traycee King - http://trayceeking.com/
• 8:13 - http://813series.com/
• Ghoul Girls - http://www.ghoul-girls.com/

Tags: girls of horror, Horror , horror fans, independent films, micro budget films, zombie films, 8:13, Chandler Bullock, Ghoul Girls, Gore, Horror shorts, How to Survive a Horror Film, Traycee King, Zombies

Black Mirror is an intriguing piece of English sci-fi in the form of a miniseries. The horror is psychological, stemming from dystopian images of how technology affects our behaviour and brings out the very worst in us and/or our society as a whole. So there will be no ghost worshipping in my post this week, just some thoughts on what impressed me most about this chilling series that really gets under the skin. I’ll be looking at two out of three episodes of the first series, since they were the ones that really moved me.

The first episode is titled The National Anthem and it’s about the Prime Minister having to do a revolting, gut-wrenching (and gut-emptying, for that matter) decision to save a kidnapped member of the Royal Family. The kidnappers post the ransom demand on YouTube, and despite the efforts made by the government, the video spreads like wildfire and soon the entire world is focusing on England. A decision that rests on the shoulders of the PM and has a huge significance on his personal life is suddenly made by the entire world, since the marvels of modern technology have enabled quick exchange of information and opinions online.

I had completely blocked this episode out of my memory after watching it for the first time, because it is honestly, brutally disturbing. I’m not disturbed easily; I love the SAW movies, I only winced a bit at an infamously awful part of The Antichrist (not spoiling it for you), and while I find full-on slasher movies not very interesting, I don’t mind the actual slashing at all. But The National Anthem really got to me. I just love it when a TV show or a movie really gets to me, it happens so rarely! (Should I be worried by that? Am I becoming a soulless monster? Oh well.) The reason why The National Anthem disturbed me so much is because it’s so relatable. It focuses on the reactions of regular (social)media-following citizens and the impact the proceedings have on the personal life of the PM, and that makes the horrendousness of the situation and the overall vomitous nature of the whole thing feel very real to the audience. The pace and emphasis of the storyline is unforgiving to the viewer, forcing them to grasp every disgusting moment of the PM’s torment. There are two shudder-inducing bits where the PM’s wife tries to reach him on his cell and he rejects the call. Trying to imagine how alone they both feel is utterly depressing.

Episode three, The Entire History of You (TEHY), takes place in a future where people have their memories recorded by a brain implant known as the Grain. This episode really pleased me because of one aspect in particular; an aspect I’ve noticed before as well, when comparing blockbuster sci-fi to more modest English productions. The English like to do their sci-fi low-key, sticking to the basics, not dressing it up too much nor indulging in excessive special effects. They, as you say, “keep it real” (I really hate that phrase, I got shivers of nausea while typing it, but it’s the correct phrase to use here). TEHY shows this magnificently; this wondrous invention is introduced, but there are no multinational corporations fighting over it, there’s no alien invasion coming in that decides to use the memory implants to collect intelligence about the human race, there’s not even one shooting match, not to mention a bomb going off. What TEHY shows is the effect of this device on a normal couple, trying to live their normal, conspiracy-free married life.

I’d like to make a quick comparison to In Time, where an invention of similar nature is introduced: medicine allows people to live forever, so time has become the new currency. The story around this invention escalates into exactly the kind of shooting-match-car-explosion type action show that I’m so relieved to avoid in English sci-fi. A rich guy’s daughter half runs away, half gets kidnapped by Justin Timberlake (of all people!) and on the run they come face to face with all the seedy criminal activities and conspiracies against the poor you can imagine. I only managed to watch half of In Time because of just this; I was so bored with all the action and effects and excitement that I stopped caring about the characters. I know, I said “bored with excitement”, bit of an oxymoron, but that’s how I genuinely felt. It was really refreshing to watch THEY, which examines the dystopia of a boring married couple. And it’s not boring at all; it’s again very relatable, like The National Anthem. Let me tell you just how relatable it is.

Think about the following. Even without a Grain it’s very easy to start obsessing about things: how you acted in a situation, what someone else said to you… I know I spend way too much time going over social situations that are somehow unpleasant to remember. Imagine how it would be if you could watch recordings of everything you’ve ever experienced. And that’s exactly where the horror of TEHY emanates from. The horror of obsessing about small gestures and reading too much into them, about something someone said years ago, about things you didn’t really mean shouted during arguments… When you have the option to rewind and watch, even relive everything you or your loved ones have ever said and done, things can get ugly. And in this episode, they really do.

About the second episode, I’d just like to say the following without going into it: it carves an empty hole inside of you, makes you lose all your faith in humanity, and you will be left with the feeling that nothing is ever going to be okay ever again. So effective. So awesome!

Black Mirror has been announced to continue with a second season in 2013. Looking forward to that! It’s always worth it to wait for the gems of English television, since they honestly put quality before quantity. I think I’ve now made it annoyingly clear that I’m a certified Anglophile, so I guess I’ve had my say on Black Mirror.

"This is already a huge national talking point. Isn't this precisely what whoever is behind this is looking for?"

- Black Mirror, episode one -

Tags: British horror, Black Mirror, Charlie Brooker, Dystopia, Science Fiction Horror

I’m proudly Finnish, so I wanted to write about a masterpiece of Finnish horror, Sauna. Now, Finnish horror is not a term you hear in everyday conversation. That’s because Finnish horror is not really a thing. Which in turn means that being a masterpiece of Finnish horror doesn’t really mean anything. But let me tell you, Sauna is a masterpiece. I’m very, very picky when it comes to Finnish movies; I hardly like any of them. Sauna I do like. In this post I’ll tell you why.

Knut and Eerik are on a mission to outline a new border after a war that was waged between Sweden and Russia. Since Finland was part of Sweden back then, Finland was involved in the war. But I won’t bore you with the historical details any further (although I myself am quite partial to historical details) since this is not a boring history movie. Knut and Eerik’s journey is shadowed by the memory of doing a dreadful deed along the way: killing a father and leaving his daughter to rot in a basement in the middle of nowhere. Eventually they happen across a mysterious village that boasts a special kind sauna. This sauna radiates an enigmatic atmosphere that shrouds all the residents under its pious aura. This is a sauna where you go to atone for you sins.

Hang on, a sauna? How can a sauna have anything to do with atonement? I should mention that while you’re all very familiar with saunas and it’s not a special Nordic mystery anymore, there’s more to saunas than just naked sweating and beer drinking (or relaxation and pore cleansing, if you’re into a healthier lifestyle). In the olden days in Finland, a sauna was a spiritual place, almost like a peculiar chapel. When you gave birth, your newborn  was washed in the sauna. When you died, you body was washed in the sauna. It was a sacred place, a place for rites of passage, where the soul entered and exited the realm of the living.

Sauna the movie is proper scary, which really surprised me when I first saw it. The only feeling a Finnish movie had ever awoken in me was depression and gloom (except for a few glorious comedy movies made in the nineties). While Sauna has the same Finnish signature atmosphere of depression and gloom, it works well with the transcendental and psychological terror that slowly creeps up on Knut and Eerik. And let’s face it, Finland in the 1500s was a gloomy and depressing place. So, gloom and depression are very much legitimate in this movie. Now I shall move on and try to write a sentence without the words “gloom” and “depression” in it.

What really impressed me on the first viewing of Sauna were the ghosty characters. I say ghosty characters, because they’re not exactly ghosts, and there’s absolutely no explanation given in the movie as to what they exactly are. And that’s just brilliant. I love not getting explanations. Sometimes not getting explanations means humongous plot holes and all around a crappy screenplay, but in this case it magnified the horror tenfold and preserved the mystery of the sauna, just as it should do. Enough is explained, and just the right amount is left unexplained. Because of this, your average Finn with their own sauna will get to enjoy elevated blood pressure, chills and paranoia every time they enter it, which is a sign of a job well done.

Ghosty characters and mystical saunas aside, there’s something truly terrifying about a gaunt, pertinacious Finnish man. I mean, just look at Ville Virtanen (Eerik) in this movie. His unyielding face makes me recoil in whimpering panic. His stare makes me doubt myself and everything I’ve ever achieved in life. His severe disposition makes me melt into an insignificant puddle of petrified goo. It’s not your usual “I’m an angry scary man” –effect; Eerik is a broken, war-weary man who just wants to go home. His terror stems from deep trauma combined with short temper and absolute authority. He’s like a mini villain on his road to penance. I can’t believe I’m saying this about a Finnish character in a Finnish movie, but here goes: what a juicy character.

There you have it, my thoughts on a Finnish horror movie. I have to admit, Sauna owes a lot of its scare tactics to Asian horror. But the rest of the movie is purely Finnish. There’s nothing quite like Finnish melancholy, and this movie depicts it and harnesses it perfectly: once I got over the ghosty scaries it became clear to me that the real horror of the movie is the notion of having to carry your sins with you. That’s a thought that sticks, since the audience can relate (even if the sins of the audience aren’t as serious as Knut and Eerik’s). That’s also a melancholic thought if there ever was one.

“Sen päivän jälkeen kun muutettiin tänne, ei yksikään meistä ole uskaltanut oikein kunnolla elää. Eikä kuolla.”

– pohjalainen talonpoika -

(“Ever since the day we got here, not one of us has really dared to live. Or to die.” – Northern Finnish peasant - )

Tags: haunting horror films, Antti-Jussi Annila, Evil Rising, Finnish horror, Sauna, Ville Virtanen

Hi, new blogger here! I go by the name of Anski. I just want to say a couple of things about my blog before I get started. First, I don't really review movies as much as I write about the thoughts that come to mind whilst watching them. Sometimes these thoughts are analytical, sometimes they are nonsensical. Second, I like my horror nice and non-Hollywood, so I hope I can bring some movies to the attention of my readers that they might not have discovered otherwise. 

All right then, here we go! Kairo (Pulse, in English). Now I know some of you will roll your eyes and go "Geez, enough with the Asian horror movies already". But the fact of the matter is, Asian horror rocks. And I guarantee that this one is not about a girl ghost that hides behind a curtain of long, black hair. Kairo was on the list when I had the urge (that I now sincerely regret) to really traumatize myself with good horror, since it had been a while. So I made a list of supposedly great Asian horror films and watched them. I had already seen Ringu, The Grudge, A Tale of Two Sisters and The Eye, so I didn't have many options in the top ten lists people had assembled around the internet. I watched Uzumaki (delightfully peculiar but not trauma material), I got halfway through Marebito (despite my love of vampires, this vampiric mystery made me go "Meh") and finished Noroi (got really freaked out by aborted embryos, but then they started to move like monkeys and I couldn't hold on to my willing suspension of disbelief). So I was left feeling rather unsatisfied. Was there nothing out there that could really creep me out good old Ringu style?

My dissatisfaction ended abruptly and chillingly with Kairo. My goodness, what a sneaky film. When I was watching it, I was rather bored. The story unfolds with a very slow pace, so it couldn't really hold on to my interest 100%. But I did watch the bits with the ghosts carefully, holding my breath and sucking in the atmosphere of dreadful despair. And my god man, did the ghosts start haunting me too!

The basic storyline is about ghosts that have run out of space in the Beyond, so they start to ooze into our world through the internet. Once they have established contact with an unsuspecting web surfer, the surfer starts to feel depressed and eventually offs him/herself, only to become a creepy black stain on the wall that endlessly whispers "Help me, help me". The stain even manages to call up friends who arrive to the home of the deceased only to stare at the stain in horrified disbelief. Oh, it's genius.

The mood and tone of the film are exactly spot-on to cause the "I can't look" -type terror in the audience. I had to hide behind a blanket for more times than I care to admit. The slow pace of the movie that I whined about earlier contributes to the eeriness beautifully. Most importantly, the ghosts are perfect. I can't tell you how many times I've been disappointed in a ghost movie because the ghosts shows themselves too much, too clearly or just show themselves, period. Kairo's ghosts are blurry, sooty, stain-like. Even when one pushes its face right up to the face of Toshio (who has just discovered that his friend is now a stain on the wall), you can't properly see all the features. And the manner of face-pushing is brilliant, too: the slowest of ghostly, glidey walks towards the guy hiding behind a couch, which ends in the slowest and most horrifying game of Peekaboo ever. I see you, indeed...

What still haunts me every day, though, is the noise the ghosts make. The ghosts that ooze through the internet and reach our world make exactly the same sound as new, well-functioning refrigerators. I mean, that's just not on! We have a new, well-functioning fridge and it creeps the hell out of me. Every time I hear it making a sound, I have a flashback to a video in Kairo that one of the protagonists was watching: a ghost is seen walking past an open doorway over and over again, making the fridge sound. I don't think I'll ever get over that. I mean, I saw Kairo months ago, and I'm still terrified of being home alone. With the fridge.

All I can say is, mission a-bleeding-complished! I am traumatized for life. Thank you Asian cinema, you never fail me. And I do know that there are hundreds, even thousands Asian horror gems out there that I haven't seen yet. I will continue my search, if I ever recuperate enough to be ready for a fresh trauma.

"Death was... eternal loneliness."  - anonymous ghost in Kairo -

Tags: haunting horror films, Asian horror, Kairo, Kiyoshi Kurosawa, Pulse

1818.... thats correct 1818. The light bulb, the camera, the uses for electricity itself had not even been dreamed of when Miss Wollstonecraft Goodwin an 18 year old girl penned a story that came to her in a dream. The fact is that Mary was on retreat with Lord Byron, John Polidori (who penned the first vampire story in english), and her fiance Percy Shelley. As the tale goes, a wager was struck and the goal was to write a horror type story. The four took the time of the retreat to think and write. Mary penned by hand in long form "Frankenstein or a Modern Prometheus in 3 Volumes". I haven't "penned" anything longhand since 1986... Her vision and clarity of tale are so vibrant, that if you read the tale by lone bulb as I did just last week, you can feel the story around you.

Roughly 200 years have passed since that great work was finished and still to this day it remains as one of the truer to original form horror concepts. Except for the fact that Hollywood in its infinite wisdom fucked up the whole thing and left out so much of what makes the story so remarkable. So dear readers I challenge you to raise a middle finger to the movie "man" and kindle the imagination that a world of fake tits and waiters that are actors just can't comprehend. By the way "I'm not really a waiter, I'm an actor" guy, um fuck you! Right now your playing the part of the useless piece of shit that helped to ruin my evening, just so you know.

"Hollywood has perverted  “the creature” so that if you have never taken in the awesome work on paper, you only know the mute brutish clod. "

Think George W. but with none of the sweet Texas charm. The novel however paints a far different picture, one of a rebirth and relearning of sorts. The “monster” has a voice and thoughts, he is able to articulate them as well. While the doctor is seeing death all around him and searching to reverse it. His view of life is that it is pocked by death and thus incredibly dark and forlorn.  "It" sees life and all its intricacies with a cautious joy. Though hardships are encountered they are but stumbling blocks and seen as parts of life and can be overcome. She paints the true dichotomy of life in all its bold and vibrant as well as it dark and dreary colors. Frankenstein obsessed with death and its reversal, the "creature" obsessed with life and its small wonders.

While we have fallen in love with the portrayers of Dr. Frankenstein’s work, we have blanked or simply accepted the misnomer that Frankenstein was the monsters name. “It” had no name, or if it did it was never given, Frankenstein was the doctor, the creator and so much of the story, is based on his life. Through the movies and television portrayals names like Boris Karloff and Peter Boyle are household. In my opinion Tom Noonan who played the monster in Monster Squad deserves some love too! By the way, what a great movie that was. "I kicked Wolfman in the nards, and he went down!" Sorry Monster Squad tangent, wait I'm not sorry, not sorry at all! It's my rant and I shall do and say as I please. No really I'm sorry back to the point...  Some have forgotten where the name came from. Victor Frankenstein, a man who watched death tear apart all he knew, and who created life to see death reversed. To accurately tell the story that is written in the book on screen has never truely been accomplished. The words that Mary wrote have never had the feeling on screen they did in print.

While movies and TV shows dominate the landscpe, in books there are still rare gems that have been passed over by time. The book that Mary wrote some two centuries ago, is a diamond, a shining star amidst the back history of horror. If you have never read it or it has been some time since you last read it... Now is a great time to look at it with fresh eyes and feelings. Try to feel and experience the world through Victors eyes. See that death is a crippling thorn and with rebirth a new chance. Feel the creature, attempting to connect with life and searching for the ways to become "alive".

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So we all agree that sparkly Vampires are stupid right? I mean a troop of blood drinking, super creatures reduced to shimmering in the sunlight, sort of lame. Don't get all excited yet, the bashing has only just begun, smooth seductress style vampires creating love toys and packs of feuding vampires ala "the sharks" and "jets" from West Side Story. EVEN FUCKING WORSE.....

"Dear God horror people when did it become OK to bastardize our legends?"

Dear God horror people when did it become OK to bastardize our legends? Poke fun at or with, I understand and even like. The outright ass fucking our Vampire legends have taken in the last 5-10 years is simply out of control. You can try to tell me all you want about how stories need to advance and new aspects need to be looked at.... ok Mario Van Peebles in Jaws 3.... I rest my case. Yes you may be correct that different avenues can be and should be explored. Vampires however are supposed to be linked to a creative story dating back to Vlad Tepes or Vlad the Impaler if you will. He wasn't named the Impaler because he was chasing sexy bitches and "impaling" them with his massive manhood making them willing to be his sex slaves.

Vlad was a cruel, vile, destructive protector of his lands and people. He used odd and barbaric means to instill fear in his enemies not get their panties moist. He was rumored to have ingested the organs and blood of his conquered victims and would place the still living captured on poles. These poles were inserted in the anus and then forced up along the spine and out through the clavicle area. The victim would slowly slide down the pole eventually succumbing to the pain and inability to breath because the diaphragm had been punctured. Sooki on my balls bitch, try that shit on HBO.

Give me a real bloody destructive quest for blood vampire movie any day of the week, "30 days of night" or "From dusk til Dawn". Vampires are lusty yes, but more often for blood than tail. Vampires are supposed to be super creatures, possessing skills no mortal man could have, they are also supposed to be dead. No blood flow, to the peepee, so no sexy beast banging here. Many of the classic Vampire movies have the Object of desire role, but the desire is to "turn" them not turn them over and get slappy on it.  

Interview with a Vampire , Queen of the Damned , or Dracula 2000 if you enjoy the story side, at least the Vampires depicted showed their "Fangs". Please people lets remember where Drac came from a bloody dominating violent force!!!

Tags: Twilight, vampire movies, True Blood

How can this be you ask? No. Really. Out loud .... How can this be? Well, since you asked, I'll tell you....

I do watch some "Zombie" movies. I watched "Zombieland", loved it. I consider "Serpent and the Rainbow" one of my all time favorite movies in any genre. "Night of and Return of the living dead" I own them both on VHS, dvd and Bluray. I have read "World War Z" and loved it, but I won't rush to see a "Zombie" movie in the same way I won't rush to go see a new "Mike Myers" movie. Unless, of course, he does "Dieter from Sprockets".

Tags: horror fans, zombie films, Walking Dead